Since writing my last post on re-writing a book, Take a Break, I have done exactly that, and I have taken a break from writing. Now while I still support the advice from that post, I will admit, that if you want to be a writer it cannot be a permanent break.
And I will honestly admit that I am on the dangerous path of never going back to writing my book.
I’ve just sat and re-read my posts on re-writing my book, and it brought back all the feelings of absolute and utter anguish of having to essentially start from scratch – none of which I think I have fully admitted to anybody. I’ve used the words heartbroken, but I’ve been heartbroken in the past, and this isn’t what being heartbroken feels like.
I feel bereaved; not the harsh pain felt at first, but the ever ebbing underlying feeling of loss that never goes away and surfaces occasionally, usually out of nowhere, to remind you that life as you once knew cannot ever be the same again.
I feel like that about my writing at the moment – I’m grief stricken that the book I’ve written and the characters I’ve created will never be known to the world in the way that I had originally conceived. And grief for me has always been an underlying cause for my problems with depression, which is not a great realization to have had.
I’ve had a tough year with my writing that started with Admitting the Truth, and has even included me losing my passion for reading after I’d tried to read a book that had completely destroyed any desire I had to read a book.
Admittedly getting married, buying a house and completely changing my job has been stressful (especially because I did all three at the same time), but that has all contributed to my happiness and well-being this year. Events in the wider world haven’t exactly been cheery, but I learnt a long time ago the world is not a perfect place. I have been helped with therapy to develop coping skills for bereavement and have healthy relationships with my memories of the people I have lost. Generally I am very happy at the moment and have been for a good long while – after ten years of recurrent depression I’m relishing it.
However, the desire to write has just been utterly destroyed, with the occasional harsh reminder when people I’ve known for years, but don’t see often, ask me how it’s going, knowing writing is something I have been keenly passionate about. It only to a few though I admit I’m not at the moment, but never the entire truth as to why.
I know from experience that learning what the problem is helps me to resolve it, but I started this blog series (Book (Re)Writing) with a lot more enthusiasm than I have at the moment.
This blog series is about making myself accountable in rewriting my book and sharing my experience of having to do it and what I’ve learnt is that it is a lot tougher to do that I had originally envisioned.
If anyone tells you that writing is an easy job, direct them here, because I’ve worked my way through office jobs with depression. I’m not depressed at the moment, but having some pretty tough feelings to deal with at the moment has made writing through them harder than I had imagined.