Book (Re)Writing – Fear, Distraction and Depression

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i-am-a-writer

Well my last post on Book (Re)Writing was a lovely and positive post about having written out The Grand Plan. I actually made progress.

As usual the life of a writer is not as simple as that – for a kick off my mental health doesn’t always align with the progress that I’m making. Sometimes I make a step forward and my depression kicks me back beyond square one. Or so it feels. It has been a bad month or so, because of factors outside of my writing (mainly my job being stressful at the moment). This has not really been very useful in me making progress.

I am making the effort to really look after myself though (after a having hit a bit of a rock bottom yesterday – I’ve had worse bumps but it was a wake up call). I’m even planning on trying to make more of an effort use writing as part of looking after my well-being.

Leaving only two things stand in my way – Fear and Distraction

We’ll start with fear – I wrote the Grand Plan for my novels, and scared the hell out of myself. I know that I naturally think big, but until I have put it down on paper I had never realised¬†the scale of my plans. Good grief I’m honestly punishing myself with the prospect of trying to pull off The Grand Plan.

I’m going to actually have to look at my plan and then make a list of novels entitled ‘I definitely have to write this within my lifetime’. Once I know that I can move onto outlining with a bit more detail.

A Young Doctor's Notebook

That isn’t the only fear though – a long time ago when I first started this blog, I wrote about the inspiration behind the name of my blog in ‘The Inner Fear‘ a blog post I later re-wrote two years later. Fear that I am not competent enough to even pull this off, and after the bruises that a beta reader left me with (which inspired this entire blog series in the first place) my confidence in my abilities (coupled with the doubt that depression whispers/shouts at you – yay depression! Yeah you can just screw off) hasn’t really been all that high at the moment.

I am afraid that I can’t write well enough for my characters.

This has lead to Distraction (read procrastination in some cases).

Let’s put it this way my mother has been trying to teach me how to knit since before my tenth birthday. While I’m an intermediate border-lining advanced crocheter, I’ve never really been able to knit.

I’ve since solved that as a distraction from my ¬†writing – I can now knit. I’m confident enough to follow patterns, do shaping, knit cables, and I’ve even had a go at lace knitting.

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I’ve let myself be distracted by television – I’ve even joined Netflix at last to distract myself as much as possible.

I’ve let myself get distracted by twitter. Nothing is better than five minutes of reading tweets at the minute.

I’ve let myself get distracted by learning other languages – Mandarin via an evening class, and German and Italian via Duolingo. Usually I only do one of those at a time; nope three at the minute because the alternative is writing.

I’ve even let myself get distracted from this writing by thinking about other writing instead. Nothing makes my ideas for screenwriting work out better than me actually wanting to work on my novels. Just thinking though, I haven’t even made notes.

I am definitely an advanced procrastinator.I’m honestly surprised I haven’t signed up to do another degree in order to distract myself (not the entire reason why I have an MA, but certainly part of the reason.)

So writing recently has definitely not been going well of late. But I know why, and I’m willing to admit why to more than just myself. I have all my fingers crossed that the progress I had made can now start to go forward again.

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About kabrown4

A quaint life full of teacups searched for inspiration to fuel a writer dreaming of fantasy worlds that are full of friends found only in words. I have been writing for as long as I can remember and over the years I have developed many stories and many characters. This is my blog about the journeys I've been on over the years, and the road I'm still travelling as a writer.

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